The Kisses

Our utterly confusing conversation while making dinner tonight...

Julia: Mommy, guess who I saw on TV before school?
Me:  I have no idea. Who?
Julia: The kisses!
Me: What? Like Hershey kisses?
Julia: No! The guy kisses! Daddy showed them to me!
Me: Um, wait...what? Daddy showed you guys kissing on TV?
Julia: No! Not guys kissing! The guy kisses!
Me: I have no idea what you're talking about!
Julia: Well, Daddy said you would know!
Me: Well, Daddy was wrong! Was it on a commercial?

She looked at me like I was as dumb as a stump. In a sing-songy, matter of fact, entirely grown up tone of voice with her hands on her hips and head cocked to one side, she said: No, Mommy! The guy kisses! You know, the ones with the black and white paint on their faces that play music and sing and stuff!

Apparently KISS was on the Today show this week.

My Little Anomaly

I just happened to sit on the opposite side of Punky than I usually do at the dinner table yesterday, and couldn't help but notice the quarter-size bulge protruding from the right side of her neck.  She's had her share of illnesses, but I don't ever remember any swollen lymph nodes, especially to that degree.  In true mom fashion, I immediately pummeled her with question after question in search of its source.  

No, her throat didn't hurt, and the flashlight revealed no outstanding signs of trouble.  Nope, no fever.  No belly ache, no runny nose, no cough.  She ate her entire dinner, plus seconds, without the slightest hint of discomfort when swallowing.  No tooth pain either.  Her ears didn't hurt.  Her body wasn't achy.  She was as active and happy and playful as always.  So, I did what any mom would do: I called the pediatrician.

Given her lack of symptoms, the nurse thought it was fine to wait until morning to bring her in for a checkup. The doc virtually copied my examination the night before, then asked if Punky had been around any sick kids.  I remembered a sign posted at the daycare earlier in the week indicated they had two confirmed cases of strep, so she decided to do the test even though no other symptoms were present.  

Seven minutes later, we had a positive diagnosis.  I immediately reminded the doctor that Punky had strep throat last spring, and it came with the same lack of symptoms.  The only indication that something was wrong that time was a slight rash on her stomach.  This time it was only one swollen lymph node.  How could she have strep throat twice...with no sore throat?  And no fever?

"Your daughter is an anomaly," she commented casually.  "It's not common at all, but it does happen.  Chances are, strep will always present itself in an unusual manner in her body, so be on the lookout if you know she has been exposed down the road."

I have to admit, it does concern me that she could have a fairly serious infection like strep without her body reacting with what should be its first defense: a high fever.  For almost an entire year, almost three years ago now, she ran an extremely high fever for no apparent reason every few weeks on the nose.  Doctors searched for the source but came up with nothing.  When the fevers stopped as abruptly as they started, they shrugged it off as possible exposure to different viruses and the case was dropped. Now, when her body should have a high fever, there is none whatsoever. Go figure.

Is her thermostat broken?  Did that year of high fevers alter something in her immune system?  Why is her body working backwards?

Then it hit me... Medically, my body works backwards much of the time.  A heating pad for cramps?  No way, an ice pack for me.  Heat would intensify the pain to an unbearable level, but ice would numb it right out of me.  Yelling and screaming from horrific pain?  Nope, my body says screw it and passes out cold. Any medicine containing ingredients that may cause drowsiness makes me so jittery I can crawl out of my skin.  Non-drowsy formula?  I can't keep my eyes open twenty minutes later.  Even alcohol revs me up instead of relaxing me and lulling me to sleep.  It clear my body's concept of stimulants is completely backwards.  And pain killers?  The stronger they claim to be, the less they seem to affect me.  I've had enough toothaches to prove that theory over and over again.

So, maybe the anomaly didn't fall far from the tree?  To the best of my knowledge, I've never had strep.  Or have I?  Maybe it went undetected, which is scary as hell since strep can have some serious long-term consequences if left untreated.  

At any rate, Punky is looking at ten days of medicine but can return to school tomorrow.  Twenty-four hours on antibiotics and no painful symptoms?  Yes, she's definitely going to school.

On a side note, the highlight of her sick day was coming to work with me for a few hours today.  After the doctor, and a quick run to the drugstore, I absolutely had to stop at the office.  A sudden death in the family of a colleague left no one available to cover my job, so I needed to put out any fires and let everyone know how to contact me if needed.

Punky was well-behaved for the most part.  She sat in a chair and drew pictures with my pens and highlighters, and soaked up all the attention she got from everyone who passed by my office and noticed her there.  Some complimented her drawings, some asked how she was feeling, and others brought her treats, like candy bars and Hershey kisses.  

But at one point, I had my door closed while I sorted paperwork to distribute. After about ten minutes of silence while I worked and she drew, she calmly approached my desk.  "Mommy?" she inquired in her sweet little voice.

"Yes, honey?"

"Is this what you do ALL day?" she asked in a tone that implied I have the most boring job on the planet  and she seemed really disappointed by the lack of action in my office.  

While my job has it's fair share of hectic moments and high stress situations, she wasn't exactly wrong.  Most days I feel like I have the most boring job on the planet.  I have no clue what she thought I did all day, but maybe I should ask her and make it happen.  I truly need a career change and I see it on the horizon for this year.  At this point, I'm open to almost anything.  How sad is that?

Sleepless

One of the biggest struggles I've faced in past six months is sleeping. 

I simply don't, and I'm so tired of being tired. 

I've suffered with insomnia for years, so trouble sleeping is not a new concept for me, but it changed its pattern and caught me off guard. And I think I like the old problem better. 

My issue with insomnia always involved initially falling asleep, not staying asleep. I would lie awake for hours on end, but once I fell asleep I would be out cold until I absolutely had to get up. Once I finally managed to drift off, I would sleep through almost anything. There were plenty of nights where I only ended up with two or three hours of sleep total, but my insomnia would typically go in cycles. I'd suffer for a few weeks, then I'd sleep fairly normally for a few weeks. Looking back now on all the years I've dealt with insomnia, I'd say its likely that most of my issues stemmed from thyroid hormone fluctuations, with a slight layer of stress and worry layered on top. 

Now the game has changed.  I find myself purely exhausted at bedtime and I have no problem whatsoever falling asleep in the seven-minute window that doctors consider normal.  As soon as my head hits the pillow, my eyelids feel like lead weights and I struggle to stay awake to catch even a few minutes of TV.  Sounds great, right?  For whatever reason, every night...and I mean every single night...I wake up anywhere from 2.5 to 3 hours later, and then I'm usually up till the sun rises.  Maybe two nights a week I actually do fall back to sleep but not until around five a.m. which gives me roughly one additional hour of sleep before getting up for work.

I'm tired.  Did I say I'm tired?  I'm actually beyond tired.  I'm at the point where I would give almost anything to sleep a solid eight hours without interruption.  I can't think clearly.  I get frustrated so easily.  I'm anxious, and cranky, and not much fun to be around most evenings because by then my eyes burn, my mind can't focus on anything, and my body feels physically run down.  No wonder I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow, eh?

Yes, I've tried the usual things like melatonin tablets, red wine, Tylenol PM, even some Unisom, but nothing worked beyond the first night I used it.  And yes, just like I have all the years I've faced insomnia, I refuse to try any type of prescription sleep aid.  I know I need to fix the root of the problem, not mask it with drugs. Unlike the past, I can guarantee that my current sleep struggles are being fueled entirely by incredibly high stress levels and there is no end in sight.  

Normally I stay in bed, tossing and turning and praying my mind will shut off so I can grab that additional hour or so, but with the dawning of the new year I've decided I may as well use the time wisely and get something accomplished.  I'm still in bed, but writing this post on my iPhone.  If I do this every night, I'll have no trouble catching up on the last six months I've neglected.  Maybe then you'll understand exactly why I can't sleep.  And maybe once I get it all out, I finally will.

Another New Year

It's unbelievable to think that another entire year has gone by in what seems like the blink of an eye. For every good thing I can say about 2013, I can say two completely shitty things. 

I really can't explain why my writing took such a hard hit this past year. There were some minor bumps in the road the first half, but come June things got ugly quick. And that's when I stopped writing. 

One of the main reasons I started this blog in the first place was to vent about life's frustrations the best way I know how. But when life hit rock after rock on its way down the steep side of the mountain this year, writing was the first aspect of my life to suffer.  I quit, just when I needed it most. 

Needless to say, returning to real-time blogging tops my list if goals for the new year, closely followed by the goal to catch up on the last six months I completely neglected. I won't get every detail down, but I at least hope to cover the big stuff. I mean, the other reason I started writing was for Punky and I can't leave such big holes in her story. She deserves better than that. 

So, here's to 2014. For me this year is all about reorganization.  It's time to restructure, reformat, and reboot. I need to start at the very core of my being and move through all aspects of my life. Last year was too much of a jumbled mess and I can't function that way any longer.  It's just not an option.