I'm Crazy and He's an Idiot

Sometimes all I can do is roll my eyes and think to myself “Who the hell is this guy?” 

Other times I manage to mumble “idiot” in a disgusted tone that would make Debra Barone proud.

Once in a while I yell.

Then he calls me crazy.

Idiot.

I don’t know why we are having such trouble getting along lately. Is it the new baby stress from the last few months finally coming to a head? Is it the financial worries? Is it our hectic work schedules? Are we just freakin’ tired?

Opposite of what the stereotypical roles dictate, I’m the one that gets upset over the major things (like finances) and he is the nit-picking, nagging one about all the little things. I don’t have time to sweat the small stuff. I fully realize and accept that life doesn’t allow much time for things other than work and Punky. I have just been focusing on the big picture and the big things, knowing all the while in the back of my mind that it won't always be this way...

Getting our bills paid on time is a big thing. Emptying the dishwasher in a timely fashion is not. Making sure Punky is well fed, well rested, clean, and happy is a huge thing. Having the same discussion about whether or not he should sell his motorcycle (for the 43rd time now) is not a priority. Making sure I manage to get a shower long enough to shave my legs at least once a week is more important to me than trying to find a few minutes to sneak in a quickie. That’s low on my list, and it drops farther down with every argument we have.

When I got home from work yesterday, he actually picked a fight with me over the fact that I didn’t take a second to kiss him. Seriously. I’m not kidding. Punky was cranky, it was time for her dinner and she apparently couldn’t wait three seconds or she’d die of starvation. I happened to glance at the mail on the counter and noticed another unexpected bill that we will be strapped to pay on time. As my mind swirled around that, I was trying to hurry up and change my clothes and make her dinner so she would calm down and stop crying, and he’s in the background whining that I don’t kiss him anymore.

What happened to the tough bad boy I fell for a few years ago? Now he just seems so…needy. And I can't help getting angry. So...I snap. I yell. He thinks I'm crazy cause I fly off the handle so quickly anymore. I think he's an idiot for saying stupid things that make me snap. I'm worried about many things, and I have no time or energy to deal with petty crap. I can only take each day as it comes.

For the most part, all I do is keep my head down and plough through it. I'm doing the best I can. I guess I just feel like I am making every sacrifice I can for Punky's sake, and sucking it up and dealing with it for now, and he is not.

Sure, I miss the way our relationship used to be. Sometimes I really miss having some alone time as well. I miss doing what I want, when I want. I miss having extra money to buy something or do something spontaneously without having to save and budget it in advance.

I miss my life pre-baby sometimes...I think that's absolutely normal even though I feel I pang of guilt when I admit it. She needs me now. She needs my attention. She needs my love. She needs playtime with Mama. She needs every spare moment. Her life depends on how I conduct my life now. The person she will become rides on the things I do and decisions I make today. I take that seriously. For now, my needs and wants are on the back burner. I am okay with that, it's how it should be. I brought her into the world, and she deserves the very best life I can give her.

I guess he doesn't see it the same as I do. I'm not trying to neglect him, I'm not trying to spite him, I'm not trying to cause any arguments. I just don't have any time, energy, or the ability to deal with our relationship now. Being a new mom has trumped all other aspects of my life.

I hope down the road things will get easier. I hope that as the stresses from the possibility of losing our jobs end, and the economy improves, and we get out of this financial rough spot, and Punky gets a bit older, we can reconnect and start to feel more normal again.

For now though, we reside on opposite pages. He wants everything back to normal now... I don't care how long it takes... I'm prepared for the long haul. He can nag and nit-pick all he wants. I'll continue to roll my eyes, and occasionally yell a bit. He can go ahead and call me crazy till he's blue in the face. I'm sure he hasn't heard the last "idiot" from me yet either.