As on the fence as I seemed to be, in my heart I always leaned to no…and it helped that Punky’s dad leaned with me. Maybe putting his words on paper, well electronic paper anyhow, affected me in a way. Maybe I had a dream or something last night that I don’t remember. Maybe seeing my cousin’s baby shower pictures online tipped the scales. Maybe listening to my sister, filled with anticipation as her pregnancy progresses, brought out that longing in me to experience it all again. Who knows, it’s probably a combination.
Before Punky came along, I had almost completely resigned myself to the thought of having no children. I always said I wanted only one. I just wanted to experience pregnancy and the love between a mother and child. I wanted that bond that only a mother truly understands. I wanted the opportunity; I thought I’d never have it. If I could have just one healthy baby…
Now I have that, and so much more than I ever expected. It has far surpassed all my expectations, and I am so grateful everyday for my beautiful girl. How dare I not be satisfied with that after all I went through to get her…
I am approaching thirty seven; her dad is forty-six. He has two older boys, thirteen and twenty. Starting over with a new baby was a lot to ask of him. We had talked about it a great deal, but never actually made a firm decision. Punky made it for us. With all my health issues, and previous pregnancy losses, I didn’t even know if I could get pregnant or carry a pregnancy if I did. When I saw the positive test, I fully expected another miscarriage. In my mind, she’ll always be my miracle baby.
So, if I did it once and all went well, why can’t I do it again? I love being a mom. I love having a baby. I love all the stuff that goes along with it, even the sleepless nights. I had a great pregnancy, even with my health problems. It’s hard to imagine loving another baby the way I love her, but I’m sure I would. My baby is growing up so fast; she’ll officially be a toddler soon. I wish I could freeze her right where she is for a while and enjoy it for longer.
Sometimes I feel I can give her a much better life if she’s my only one. We have our struggles financially, and having another baby would certainly add more strain. If it’s only Punky, maybe I can afford to help her with college so she isn’t buried in loans. With two, they would each have less help. I’m hoping to travel with her, so she has the opportunity to see and experience as much of the world as possible. Could I afford to do it if I had two? I certainly don’t want her to be a spoiled, materialistic, little brat…but I do want to be able to afford to buy her some nice things. And give her a good Christmas each year…
Then I think about how old we are. It’s a realistic notion that by the time Punky is my age, we can both be gone. She would only be in her mid-thirties and alone. I don’t foresee her ever being extremely close to her older brothers. I think of my sister, and how much I wanted to deck her when we were kids, but now I take comfort in the fact that we have each other and I won’t be without close family as the years pass by... I don’t want Punky to be alone. Just the thought filled my eyes with tears…
What if, when the day comes, she would have preferred a close sibling than a loan-free college experience? What if the memory of riding bikes with a little sister would mean more to her than a trip to Disney World? What if she hates me for leaving her to face the world alone when I had the opportunity to prevent it? I know, I’m being extreme…but still.
What if we decide to try and we are not so lucky next time around…
What if the baby is not healthy? Each passing day ups the chances of birth defects at our age. What if my health takes a nosedive with another pregnancy? Then I set myself up to be here even less for Punky. What if our jobs disappear? The economy is still in the shitter…
Why is this so freakin’ hard? I just feel like it’s time to get off this damn fence already. I really need to decide. We really need to discuss it. I can’t stand the swaying back and forth. I can’t handle it weighing on me every day. I think it’s time to have the talk. The serious one. All joking aside. If there’s any chance we fall on the “yes” side of the fence, we are running out of time. If we land on the “no” side, someone needs to get fixed. Period.
My attitude pre-Punky was “whatever happens happens”… I wish I could be like that now. I don’t want to end up pregnant and then regret it. I don’t want to not try for another one and then regret it. I feel like I need an answer. I need to be certain, either way, and put all of this mental chaos behind me.
Feel sorry for him, cause he’s about to hear the phrase every man dreads…
“Honey, we really need to talk…”
It may not be tonight, it may not be tomorrow, but it’s coming. Soon.
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