Throwing in the Towel

I've been playing catch-up for weeks.

I got so far behind on posting when I spent every single free minute I had cross-stitching a few weeks ago.  Every time I had an idea, I would start a draft with the thought of finishing it later on when I had the time.  I've been running 10-14 days behind on average.  I managed to finish a few, and post them with the date I would have if I was able to complete them on schedule, but I just deleted the rest.  I give up; it's a race I just can't win.

Normally I have about an hour or so of "me" time every night before bed.  On the weekends, I rely on Punky's naptime to give me some as well.  I can't count on either anymore.

Pure defiance.  It's a struggle every night to get her to sleep lately, and it's not exactly a walk in the park when it comes to napping either.  I'm not sure of the root cause.  All I know is that it's cutting into the only free time I have to relax, unwind, and write.  And for the sake of my sanity, I hope it's a phase that passes quickly.

I love my little girl with all my heart and soul, but sometimes I enjoy need a few moments to just be me.  Alone.  The time spent sleeping or working doesn't qualify as "me" time.  It only counts if I'm awake, alert, and off the clock.  I wouldn't trade being her mama for anything in the world.  I can't imagine my life without her.  I can't even remember who I was before she came along and made me who I am today.  All I want is an hour now and then.  One. Damn. Hour.  Sigh.

But seriously, I really don't know what the deal is with her sleeping patterns lately.  There's rarely a night where she is asleep before eleven o'clock.  By the time she finally nods off, I drag myself right into bed.  We start the nighttime routine around nine.  She's usually in her crib within a half hour.  When she is still awake two hours later, rolling around her crib, standing on her head, getting limbs stuck between the bars, and making all kinds of noise, I want to cry.  Or scream.  Or kick something. 

I don't like to get involved with anything until I know she's asleep.  If I want to read, write, or even play a game online, it's too distracting when I have to keep getting up to make sure the loud bang I heard wasn't Punky climbing out of the crib and hitting the floor.  I am amazed that she hasn't attempted that yet.  She climbs on everything else in the house.  I guess it's only a matter of time.

She was always a good sleeper, especially a night.  I don't know if she's testing the water and pushing buttons or if she's just truly not tired.  I hope it's the first one.  The first one is likely a phase.  It can be fixed.  The second one means she is requiring less sleep as she makes her way through toddlerhood.  And mama simply isn't ready for that yet.