Old Habits Die Hard

Last week at work was brutal.  I had high hopes for today and the start of a new week. 

It was just as bad, if not worse.

Everyone wants something, it's never ending.  And everyone thinks what he wants or needs is more important than anyone else's wants or needs.  It's a lot to juggle, and it's really impossible to make everyone happy all the time.  The phone rings constantly.  People are in and out of my office all day.  The interoffice mail piles up while I desperately scramble to finish one single task without interruption.  As tensions mount with the continual decrease in business this year, people are stressed and I've been on the receiving end of their frustrations a lot lately. 

When I look back at what I've accomplished in the last four months in this new position, I have mixed emotions.  Sometimes I'm proud and feel like I made some much needed contributions, and other times I feel like I'm swimming upstream with boulders tied to my ankles.  When I have a success, the sense of accomplishment is quickly ripped away by a new crisis rearing its ugly head.  

On my lunch hour today, I took a long ride and actually burst into tears.  Twice.  An altercation with a colleague right before lunch pushed me over the edge.  I haven't felt that way in years.  I'm not sure what to make of it.

When I returned to work after maternity leave last year, I was different.  I posted before about finally coming to the realization that a job is merely a job.  Becoming a mom altered my perspective.  My job used to define me, but post-baby it became something I had to do from from 8-5 Monday through Friday and nothing more.  Then I was forced into this new position.  And apparently some of my old mentality seeped in during the transition.  It was sneaky; I didn't see it brewing in the corners of my mind.

But today it came out of hiding.  I took it personally.  I let it get to me.  I had a moment of weakness and cracked under the pressure.  I reacted to my job as if it were my life.  And it's not.  It's only a tiny part.  Very tiny.  The part least likely to be remembered years from now.  Yet somehow today I let it consume me.  It sucked me in, chewed me up, and spit me back out again.  

I hope this episode was just a bout of temporary insanity.  A brain fart of sorts.  With any luck, I'll sleep it off and wake up tomorrow ready to tackle my responsibilities in the proper perspective.  If I even mange to fall asleep tonight, that is.