My sister and her boyfriend separated about six weeks ago, just a few days short of twelve years into their relationship. He moved out. They went to court to settle the child support. He's already dating someone new.
And yes, I fully realize it's none of my business whatsoever. They are adults. They certainly had their fair share of problems in the relationship. And they also have two beautiful children.
My sister is having a rough time, and I must admit I'm a bit surprised. They were miserable together. She definitely wasn't happy. She was relieved when he moved out and ended the tension that defined their home life. But, aside from their good intentions in the beginning, it has gotten ugly. Really ugly.
When my ex and I separated years ago, we had the most amicable breakup in history and it certainly helped that there were no children involved. We are still close, we still love each other (not in a romantic way, of course), and we are still working to pay off debt we made together. We never fought over money, or who gets what, or how we've chosen to conduct our lives as individuals since the split. When it came time to choose a godfather for Punky, he was the perfect choice and he loves her with his whole heart and soul. And she absolutely adores him. I know our situation is far from the norm and we are both very lucky. Most relationships don't end the way ours did.
In my sister's case, the first week went well but then things quickly went in the shitter. It started getting ugly when her best friend (I use that term very loosely) butted in and caused a boat load of trouble by telling the ex that my sister was ready to date other people and that he should go and do the same. My sister didn't really feel that way, but within a week her ex was dating someone.
Obviously she had a huge falling out with the best friend who was clearly in the wrong for getting involved. The friend lashed out at my sister, called her every name in the book, and abruptly ended the friendship on a very nasty note. While I'll hold my tongue on my opinion on the split with her ex, this one is fair game. I don't for a second understand why my sister even considered this girl a true friend anyway. She was unreliable, fake, and an alcoholic in denial to boot. She watched my niece a few days a week and just the thought made me nervous. She paid no attention to her, fed her junk all day long, and being responsible for someone else's child wasn't enough to keep her from drinking while on duty. She even took my niece in the car with her sometimes. Lucky nothing bad ever happened because, if it had, they would've had to pull me off this girl. While I see her as a total waste of time and effort, my sister regards her as some kind of hero. My sister needs a slap, and she'll get one from me if she even thinks about rekindling that friendship at some point. I have several close friends and I can guarantee that none of them would ever put my daughter's life in jeopardy, butt in to my relationship, or call me the c-word.
Okay, rant over, back to the subject at hand. At the child support hearing, my sister allowed her heart to get in the way and she requested the amount she was awarded to be reduced by about twenty percent. In her mind, she thought there was a chance they would work it out down the road and this was only a temporary thing. She was trying to be nice, even though it was a bad financial decision. I spent three hours doing a budget for her the very next day, and saying things are tight is a gross understatement.
Then, a day later, she found out he was already seeing someone, and his demeanor towards her literally changed overnight. He was suddenly cold, mean, and uncooperative. He made it clear that he has no intention whatsoever of working it out, and as far as he's concerned their relationship is over for good. She had the classic breakup meltdown and was completely devastated. She spent the next two weeks crying while he took every opportunity to rub in just how awesome this new girl is, and how happy he is, and how little regard he obviously has for the twelve years they were together.
I think she finally made it over the hurdle. Everyone kept telling her she needed to get mad, and it appears she reached that stage. Of course, he definitely helped her get there. He started slacking more and more in the father department now that the girl with the golden hoo-hoo (my sister's name for her) has been occupying every moment of his time. Outside of the court-ordered child support, he agreed to give her cash towards things like karate lessons, the kid's outstanding medical bills, and such. Needless to say, he hasn't kept his word. It's no surprise since the absolute biggest problem in their relationship was money. He wanted to spend his on whatever he pleased, while she struggled to pay most of the bills on her own. At any rate, she filed the petition to go back to court. She wants the other twenty percent that she's entitled to and, as I said before, she desperately needs it just to stay afloat.
So, now they are in full bicker mode. He's pissed about the whole court thing, she's mad that he wants to introduce his girlfriend to the kids so soon, he's accusing her of sleeping around, she's calling him out on his child care responsibilities. Yeah, it's pretty ugly at the moment. But, in time, this too shall pass. Hopefully.
No one knows what the future holds. A year from now, they may end up back together. Or they both may be happy in new relationships. For the time being, my sister is playing it smart. There is a guy in her life, a close friend from years ago, but she is cautiously taking it slow. For now they remain friends for the most part, but it may lead to more down the road. She brought him up here for a visit last weekend, and while I think it's important for her to not jump into anything, if it develops into more at some point she could definitely do worse. He's a nice guy, hard working, disciplined, good with money, and the kids have known him a long time already and they adore him.
All I know is that life's too short to be miserable. If you're not happy in your relationship, and you've made every effort to make it work to no avail, going your separate ways may be the best thing. No one should be expected to stay in any bad situation, and certainly not for the sake of the kids. Thus far, the kids are coping far better than their parents. It's a big adjustment, change is never easy, but everyone will get through it and life will go on.
To my sister, I say this:
Thanks Ooma for this post...you really summed it up although I can do without the "my sister needs a slap" comment. You're the best big sister anyone could ask for and thank you for your support...love ya!
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