When I was seventeen, I totaled my parents' brand new S-10 Blazer. Smashed it. Rolled it. Blew out every single window. Spun it full circle on its driver's side before it finally came to a stop. They only had it four months.
For weeks after the accident, every time I closed my eyes it would play like a slow-motion movie in my mind. Every second. Every breath. Every inch of glass breaking and metal crunching would echo in my ears. Even though I managed to somehow escape serious injury, I had no interest whatsoever in getting behind the wheel again. Fear had a tight grip on me, and I was content to leave well enough alone and never risk a repeat of that terrible day.
But my parents, being the typical pain-in-the-ass variety that most teenagers have, wouldn't let me hide forever. I'm not exactly sure if they were trying to teach me a lesson, or if they just didn't want to end up driving my ass around for the rest of their lives, but two days post-crash they made me drive again. And the day after that, and the next day, and so on. It was terrifying, but in time I eventually stopped driving like an eighty year old crawling along at a snail's pace and braking every three seconds for no apparent reason.
Whether they meant to or not, I'm going to go ahead and give them credit for teaching me to get back on the horse after a fall. After my mini-meltdown / pity-party post on Sunday, I did something extremely odd.
I went shopping. For clothes. Again.
I knew it would be extra-challenging with Punky in tow, but I also thought about the advantages. It would be difficult to keep her amused while I flipped through the racks and confronted the dressing room mirrors, but her presence would help keep me calm. I mean, I couldn't break down and cry like a baby in front of my little girl. What kind of a lesson would that teach her? I would have to keep my emotions in check, stay optimistic and level-headed, and do it all quickly before she reached maximum capacity in the boredom department.
When all was said and done, it went far better than I anticipated. I ended up with two pairs of pants and four shirts that actually look good on me, and Punky was incredibly well-behaved and patient. Well, except for the one time when she opened the door while I was in mid-change and gave the dressing room attendant an eyeful, but I'm used to it. She does it to me in public bathrooms often. At least this time it was only my pink underwear instead of my bare ass.
So Monday I went to work in clothes that actually fit me for a change, and suddenly people were actually able to tell that I've lost some weight. Imagine that. When I attempted to wear one of my old suits on Tuesday, I couldn't do it. All of my work clothes are two to three sizes bigger than the new pants I bought and I didn't realize just how ridiculous they look and feel until I wore something that actually fits. This realization, of course, led to a huge dilemma.
I don't want to spend tons of money on a new wardrobe now when I still have fifteen to twenty pounds more to lose, but I can't exactly survive with only two pairs of pants for the next few months. I spent the last few evenings going through my closet to see exactly where I stand and I made an awesome discovery in the process. I had two big garbage bags full of clothes that were given to me a few years ago (under horrible circumstances that I won't get into right now), but none of them fit me at the time. In those bags, I found seven pairs of dress pants and two suits.
The bad news is that the pants are one size larger than the new ones I just bought. The good news is that they are only one size too big instead of two to three like the rest of my clothes. I surely can get away with them for a while until I see where I finish in July. The other bad news is that the suits are dry clean only. And I need to buy more shirts to go with all the pants I found.
I'm so glad those bags were lost in the back of my closet and I never donated them like I planned. Now they hold a pile of my old work clothes that I will donate instead. There's no going back now. I'm still in the game and it's only the start of the second half.
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