While She Lays Sleeping

I stay out late at night and play my songs…

Naw…I just lie next to her and stare in amazement. That beautiful little face, adorable smile, cute ears, and strong little body. She’s perfect. An absolutely perfect, happy, healthy, precious little baby girl. And she’s mine.

My mind drifts to the past. I see images from my pregnancy, reliving the fears and the joys in my head. I remember the instant the stick flashed “pregnant.” I remember the ambulance ride to the hospital after my fall. I remember the ultrasounds that offered a sneak peek at our little Punky. I remember when my labor began. I remember them saying “she’ll be born any minute.” The memories stream like a movie, and I can’t help but smile.

Even with the worries, I really had a great pregnancy and I loved every minute of it. I think about life the past six months, how much she’s grown and changed already, how I may finally be starting to feel like a mom, how she developed her own distinct personality now, how I still may want another one…

Then my mind jumps to the future. What will she look like ten years from now? Will she do well in school? Will she be a girl scout, a soccer player, a gymnast, a pianist, or maybe a dancer? Maybe none of the above. Maybe all. What will she be when she grows up? Will she be successful? Will she be a responsible adult, a contributing member of society? How do I ensure I don’t screw her life up for her? I mean, shrinks always blame the mother, right?

Anyway, I love to just watch her sleep. Whether I am holding her, lying next to her, or watching her nap in her crib, I enjoy getting lost in my thoughts as I watch my little angel. With co-sleeping, I am able to end every day like this and drift off happy once I know she is settled and in a good sleep.

Then came Friday.

I woke up sick. Sinuses draining, sore throat, aching body, low fever. By Friday night, I felt like I was hit by a bus. I loaded up on cold meds, which made my head all fuzzy, and in turn made me second guess co-sleeping with Punky that night. I was worried I would go into a deep sleep and not hear her, or feel her, and that’s not a good thing when co-sleeping. You need to be alert, sleep lightly, just be in tune overall with your baby to keep her safe. I didn’t feel like I could function that way Friday night.

I put her in her crib to sleep.

Talk about mixed emotions. I felt like I was abandoning her, even though I slept on a cot in her room. Yet, I also knew I was doing the best thing for her given the circumstances. She naps in her crib all the time, so it’s not totally foreign to her, but she’s never spent the night in it and I expected her to wake up crying for me. I assumed I would end up taking her into bed with me after I had a few hours sleep.

Nope. She slept all night. No crying. No fussing. I woke up many times to check on her, since she loves to bury her face in the bumper and scare me half to death. Twice I had to grab her by the hips and drag her back into the center of the crib. That didn’t even wake her up.

One time I heard her awake and rolling around for a few minutes. When co-sleeping, I just pull her close to me and snuggle her and she falls back to sleep. I laid there waiting for the cry. It never came. She put herself back to sleep.

My baby doesn’t need me anymore. More mixed emotions. I know it’s a moment many parents dream of…baby sleeping all night and being able to self-soothe if awakened. It’s a hard thing to accomplish for some. Maybe I can’t fully appreciate it because she has slept really well for a long time now, or maybe part of me is just being selfish. I’m not ready. I don’t want to stop co-sleeping.

I only get to see Punky about 4 hours a day during the week. Sleeping with her, watching her sleep, cuddling her, soothing her, and making sure she’s safe, are all ways I can have bonding time with her since we don’t get much during the day. I don’t want to give that up; I don’t want to lose the bond we’ve developed.

In a way I wasn’t surprised she did so well that night. With all of the traveling and changing routines she’s experienced these six months, she’s developed into a very adaptable baby. She’s always pleasant and seems to have a “go with the flow” attitude. I guess I’ve done a good job with her so far since she’s a confident, independent, well adjusted baby. But I want her to still need her mama, too. She’s only six months old.

Still feeling a bit crappy, I decided to attempt it again on Saturday night. This time she did wake up crying. Yes! (I know, that’s terrible of me). But I resisted the urge to pick her up and attempted to just soothe her by rubbing her back like I do when we co-sleep. It worked. She was out again in no time. Sigh.

Sunday night, Grammy came up and was obviously thrilled at this news. She never supported me on the whole co-sleeping thing. Anyway, Punky spent yet another night in her crib with Grammy on the cot in her room. She was still breathing in the morning so all went well.

I can’t say this is how it will be from now on; I’m not ready for it to be a permanent arrangement. But it’s good to know it’s an option when we can’t co-sleep for whatever reason. Maybe I’ll try to co-sleep during the week, but keep her used to the crib on the weekends when I get to spend much more time with her during the day. I don’t know. This “mom” stuff is hard sometimes.