The First Glance

Two years ago today I had my first peak at the little peanut that took up residence in my uterus.  One tiny little speck pulsing on a black and white screen.  Too soon to hear that precious heartbeat, but the flutter was clearly visible.  The doctor said we may not have seen it only a few hours earlier.  The peanut measured six weeks on the nose.  I willed myself to look away from the flicker.  I didn't want to get too attached.

For most mothers, that first glance is a moment filled with complete joy.  For women who have experienced losses, that moment is filled with fear and hesitation.  It had been over six years since my last miscarriage, and the worry that I was headed for another one totally consumed my every thought.  

I was convinced there would be no happy ending.  I braced myself for the horrible news lurking around the corner.  After all, if I failed in my twenties how would I ever manage a successful pregnancy in my upper thirties?  I had more health problems.  My eggs were surely starting to rot.  I just wasn't destined to be a mother.  I watched the clock and waited for the bomb to drop.

Tell people about the pregnancy?  No way in hell.  Been there, done that.  It only leads to a large group of people staring and stuttering to find the right words when they find out you lost the baby.  Start buying cute baby things?  Another no-no.  More to cry over as you pack it all up and bury it in the attic so you never have to look at it again... yet you can't bring yourself to throw it away.  Think of names for the little life inside you?  Not a chance.  Then it's like mourning a real person.  Somehow it's easier to move on if you think of it as merely a nameless group of cells that stopped growing.  I'd be prepared this time around...

I was a total case for the next nine months.  At one point my mother told me that she wouldn't be able to handle the stress if I were to ever get pregnant again.  Yeah, I was that bad.  My sister tried to be understanding but she just didn't get it.  She had a successful pregnancy.  She never experienced a loss...  Unfortunately, one year ago she had the opportunity to join a club no woman ever wants to join.  Now she gets it.  She is currently over 36 weeks pregnant and endured the same constant worry that plagued my pregnancy.   

Some of my health problems caused issues in those nine long months.  I was labeled high risk and faced a full calendar of doctor appointments and ultrasounds, but on the whole I truly had a pleasant go of it.  I didn't experience any of the usual pregnancy woes and I honestly felt great, but I wish I could've sat back and simply enjoyed it instead of suffocating under a thick blanket of constant worry.  I feel like I was robbed of experiencing the natural high and excitement of pregnancy.  The blind innocence that other mothers get to enjoy.  I wasn't buying into any of it until I held that healthy baby in my arms... which opened a whole new can of constant worry, of course.

Now I can look at the pictures from that first glance and smile.  Now my tears are happy tears.  She was an adorable little speck two years ago.  Not just a cluster of dividing cells, but a perfectly beautiful little baby.