A Moment of Weakness

Once I finally got Punky to sleep last night, I collasped on the couch as usual.  I was tired, but not enough to overlook the stabbing pain on my left side.  I was ovulating.  Same pain I get every month.  Lasts a few hours then disappears.

My mom started menopause young, at my age in fact, and my doctor told me it can be hereditary.  Every time I feel that annoying pain as an egg bursts through the ovary wall, I can't help but wonder if it will be the last time.  I don't think there are many good eggs left in my baskets.  My clock is making it's final desperate ticks.  And a voice in my head seems to naggingly whisper, "It's now or never... Come on, roll the dice... Take a chance... See what's meant to be..."  And I second-guess my decision in a moment of weakness.

I closed my eyes and lost myself in the thought of another baby.  What would it be like to have two?  Would it be another beautiful girl, or would I have a son the second time around?  What would I name him/her?  Would I even be able to have another successful pregnancy or would it end in a loss? 

Oh, the wonderful baby smells.  The precious bond while nursing.  The first smile, first giggle, first word, first steps...priceless.  The tiny, adorable outfits.  The cuddling.  The co-sleeping.  The miracle of life...

Just as my thoughts were about to turn to the worry, the diapers, the two a.m. bottles, and the three hundred pounds of crap you have to cart along everywhere you go with a new baby, Punky's dad came home from work.

He made his way into the living room and over to me on the couch.  "Are you asleep?" he whispered.

"No.  Almost.  But not quite."  I whispered back.

"Oh," he said somewhat disappointed, "Are you tired?"

I knew where this conversation was heading, and what a moment to be having it.  I rolled over and opened my eyes.  "Not too tired, I guess."

In the light of the TV I could see the smug grin that appeared on his face.  That "I might get lucky" look that men get.  Better not leave him hanging too long...

I sat up and boldly declared, "I'm ovulating right now.  Wanna make a baby?"

In one swift, seemless movement the grin changed to panic as he leaned in and kissed my forehead.  "Goodnight, get some sleep," he muttered and headed for the bedroom.  Damn, worked better than the old headache routine and at lightning speed to boot.

I can't take any form of birth control due to the blood disorder and the risks of clotting and stroke, and he knows he can't be relied on to always use it in the heat of the moment.  It's not too big of a deal since I am one of the lucky 10% of women who can actually physically feel ovulation.  And we generally avoid it like the plague and take no unnecessary chances.  But once in a while it's tempting.  For me, anyhow.  Not for him, obviously.

After checking on Punky who was sound asleep in her crib, I returned to the couch and listened to the faint ticking of the kitchen clock.  As I drifted off to dreamland I couldn't help but wonder...will it still be ticking next month?