My Mental Loco-Motion

I think all the crazy events from the last few weeks have finally taken a toll on me and I've landed in a serious funk.  I also think my thyroid has shifted to underactive with this new medication and that's probably contributing to my mood.

I made several attempts to write over the weekend, but each time I just sat staring at the keyboard and empty text box on the screen.  It's like I've essentially turned off my brain somehow to protect myself from over-thinking the pile of shit that's built up in there recently. 

Now I can sit back and wait for the explosion.  That's how I roll.  I ingest all of life's not-so-precious moments and efficiently lock them away in a closet in the far corner of my mind.  As time passes, the pile continues to grow.  The point will come when it bursts through the door and engulfs me in a cloud of anger, depression, and self-pity.  My instincts tell me there isn't much room left in the closet and it's about to blow.

Admittedly, I don't do change well.  Especially when it's something I view as bad change; good change is somewhat easier to take.  But either way I tend to get very anxious.  On edge.  My mind races as my OCD struggles to get life back into neat, little, predictable buckets.  It overwhelms me.  It frustrates me.  It exhausts me. 

This upcoming change at work has already raised my anxiety level to high... and it's dangerously approaching panic mode.  The cat's out of the bag now.  Everyone involved knows the scoop.  I have yet to face the guy whose job I'm essentially taking.  I've been hiding in the attic where my current office is for two days now.  Cowardly, I know.  I need to face the music at some point; I do need him to train me before the big move takes place.  

And on the top of the shit pile I've recently added a whole slew of relationship issues, from immediate family politics that always leave me feeling like the lowest priority on everyone's list... to friendships revealing themselves to not be what I thought they were... to my relationship with Punky's dad as he continually seems to put himself before us as a family.  It seems like almost everyone I am close to has managed to let me down in one way or another in the last few weeks. 

Except Punky, of course.  I think she's responsible for my sanity right now.  My baby needs me so I have to hold it together and get out of this funk.  I'm starting with blood work tomorrow.  I need to know how much of it is rooted in hormonal imbalance and how much of it is my true inability to cope with life in its current state of disarray.  Either way, it's still a long ride to destination normalcy on this grand funk railroad I've boarded.