Reflections on Thirty-Nine

I'm back.

And I'm forty.

Well, technically I have about twelve hours left to enjoy thirty-nine and I plan to milk every last second before admitting defeat and facing the big four-o. But, to my surprise, I'm not as upset as I anticipated.  Yet, anyway.  

Looking back, it's easy to see I've already weathered my mid-life crisis.  It began before I even turned thirty-nine, hence the total body transformation this past year, and continued chugging along through the end of 2012.  I think I'm securely at the tail end of it now and the worst is over.

Thirty-nine was a great year for me.  I was determined make changes.  I had a vision of who I wanted to be at forty and for the most part I accomplished those goals.  While there's always room for more improvement, life is surely different than it was a year ago.  I learned a great deal about myself this year and, though it stings a bit to admit it, I think I finally grew up in a sense.  

Somewhere over the course of this transformation, I've finally gained the wisdom to accept what I cannot change and focus my energy on the things I can.  This tidbit of knowledge has greatly reduced the stress of daily life and given me a new freedom of sorts.  I can't change people, I can't change situations, I sure as hell can't change the world, but I have the power to choose how I react to life's blows and I've learned the only way to remain standing is to focus on my own two feet.  I'm not sure why this lesson took nearly forty years to learn, but now that it finally sunk in I feel a thousand times stronger, both physically and mentally.

While I spent much of this year reorganizing, prioritizing, and cleaning up some messes from years past, I realize now that life is a work in process. There's still more to do, more to face, more to tackle, but I'm up for the challenge.  I spent most of my life plagued with self-doubt, but somehow I managed to kick it's ass this year.  I'm confident, I'm tough, I have faith in myself and my abilities.  I know my strengths, I know my weaknesses, I know what makes me tick.  I'm happy being me, even if that means turning forty today.

And yes, my writing hiatus is over and I fully plan on picking up the pace a bit. I have lots to catch up on, but it's time to get ready for work and psych myself up to face forty with grace.  I hope I make it through the day without bursting into tears at my desk.  I think I can, I think I can...